Saturday, November 22, 2008

If I had only known....

If I had only known that I would ever have to do what I did today...
If I had only known that I would make the choice to feel again the pain I used to feel.
If I had only known that having God's heart would cause so much pain...
If I had only known that I would be the doorstep to trauma and heaven touching earth...A little more than a week ago we welcomed Divine into our family. Beside my four own children she made number 9 of our orphans.
Her story; heart wrenching and cruel. Her mother lost her husband and children in genocide, she herself was hit on the head with a knife, then thrown in the mass grave her family was already in. Yet she survived. A little girl was found alive form the mass grave as well whom she took under her wing. Together they made the best of life while being extremely vulnerable and so prey to many. Francine was 5 years old when she survived.
Six years later Divine was born out of rape. Divine's mother loved her dearly, but Divine did not experience her mother's love for long. Divine was just a year old when her mother died. Francine, than 12 years old cared for Divine as a sister out of loyalty to the woman who had cared for her.
Francine was blessed with study opportunities, she placed Divine in a family with cows, ensuring milk would be available to Divine. Thinking these people would care well for Divine, Francine started secondary school.
The family despised Divine, calling her a wildcat, giving her the leftover foods to eat (if there were any) with her bed to be among the cows. Daily Divine would care for up to 100 cows, clean the house, cook food and clean the stables. In the fields with the cows she was easy prey for young men.

No organization or home would take Divine in, now 8 years old. Today she is with us.
She told Francine today; no I do not ever want to go back to the old place, I love it here, I love everything about this place, name it and I love it. The smile on her face, reaching from ear to ear, would not last long...

If I had only known....
Today we had to tell Divine the truth about her life. She thought the family she had stayed in were her mom and dad. That she was just less loved then the other children in the home and had done something wrong throughout the years which led to her not being allowed to go to church nor school, nor take part in any family activities.

If I had only known....
Francine had come and shared the truth. Divine's beautiful light brown eyes searched for clarity in the confusion, her eyes filled with tears, yet she pushed them back. Like a wave washing away the sand on the shore, her life was washed away in a matter of minutes.
Everything she had ever known had been a lie. Puzzle pieces of 'why' and 'how come' fell into place, confusion would come, joy for being rescued would show in a weak smile, and then... when Francine closed the gate behind her, the tears came. Deep, deep pain was in those long sobs. Uncontrolled screaming and crying, extreme silence as she stared of in a distance, exhaustion in the end, closed off with a light sleep.

If I had only known that my heart would be ripped to pieces as I guided the process, that the look on her face would remind me of my own confusions, cries and trauma's as a child her age.
If I had only known that bringing people from darkness/lies into light/truth would mean I would have to be the one to say things like; honey, your mother and father are dead...
If I had only known that carrying the heart of the Father for orphans and the poor would be so painful, would I have ever wanted it?

Though I know that from this point of truth we can lead her in the process of building her identity in Christ, which is a wonderful process, we will mourn with her first and gently place her on the Father's lap, where she can be loved and embraced the way only a Father can.

Pray for Divine, she lost both her parents and her family today. Today, Divine became an orphan.


Jenni said...

I'm so glad that Diving has you and Travis to guide her through the greiving process over her past. She is in our prayers!

Anonymous said...

"And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?" Esther 4:14

Astrid, it can only be by God's hand that Divine was led to you. I will pray for her and for you and Travis to continue the great work you are doing.

Anonymous said...

It has been a while since you wrote this blog.
How is Divine doing today?

I am glad you could make a difference in her live!

en Astrid, hoe gaat het met jou?
Het is een eeuwigheid geleden dat we elkaar zagen, maar ik zoek zo af en toe je site en volg zo een tikkeltje van je leven.

Hier gaat het goed, we hebben Rowan en Thirza om voor te zorgen, en waar het tot voor kort zwaar was vanwege de vele gezondheidsproblemen komt er nu weer wat ruimte. Dat is met name fijn voor de kinderen.

Je mag me eens mailen mocht je willen.

Groetjes van Miranda