Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Loose Life to Gain Life

It has been 3 years. Who would have thought that the impact would be so big. I remember the words: ”Oh it happens all the time”, “It is a natural weeding out of the weak” and “it was nothing anyways, really, why be sad”.
Yet, my heart tells me all those words are not true. My spirit knows the Almighty holds the truth, this truth I have held on to these past 3 years.

It was a Friday afternoon when Trav had to come home early from work to take me to the hospital. Fear and peace came and went, as if they took turns those long hours of waiting in the hospital. The kind woman looked at me as she realized I too saw the reason of my urgent hospital visit. As I stared at the life less baby on the ultra sound screen I looked at the woman as if I wanted to ask her what was wrong with the machine, it is supposed to show a beating heart, not one that stands still. Tears started to flow. My mother heart was broken. My baby, it was no more.

Then the questions came; did I have too much wine during the holidays, did I eat food that damaged my baby? Did I, did I, did I…. Questions and self-accusations ran through my mind. Stopping my mind I prayed: “God, you are the Creator. I refuse to believe anything but your truth about this life you gave to me. Please give me your point of view, your truth about the life that was just so short.” Right away I heard my thoughts: ”Even before I formed you in your mothers womb I had called you to be a prophet to the nations.” These words were all it took for me to feel peace, to know that God had purposed this little being inside of me even if it meant to be so short.

We named this baby Noa, meaning Quiet Peace.
It has been amazing to see how the Lord used Noa’s short life to impact many other lives. As I would share the loss of Noa, yet the peace I felt during my grief, knowing that God desired my DNA-my child to live shortly and to be with Him so quickly to worship Him forever and ever, and how I knew that the day will come that I will hold my baby as if it had lived with me every day of my life, with people around me, many women broke down in tears. They shared the loss of their babies and the emptiness they had felt since that time as they were not able to grief their loss. The friendships and prayers following brought healing and peace to many women.
A new ministry had started. Most of it happened at my daughter’s school playground.

When the Lord used Noa to heal areas of loss and grief I had experienced as a child, I knew that I could never agree with those claiming; “nature weeds out the weak from the strong”.
My Lord, the Creator of the universe created my Noa with purpose. And the blessing from this life has impacted not only me, but many that were close to me in that time. Loosing life to gain life. I thank God for my little Noa. The day will come that I will hold you. Until then I know you are safe in the Father’s hands.
Quiet Peace is mine.


L. Beachy said...

Our profound connection of sadness and sorrow reaches out to you across the miles. May His peace never, never end in each moment of remembrance of Noa.

Judging by your posted photos, you may have already met my daughter, Johanna, who is currently in the Kigali DTS group.

Blessings and comfort in Christ Jesus,

Anonymous said...

You are so blessed to see Gods plan in everyting! What comfort that is when we go through things in life, both huge and the small things also. He has a plan and a reason, and His ways are not always our ways, we do not often understand. But in cases like this, if we listen for His small soft voice, He will share His will and His plan with us.

I thank God for the peace He has given you and your family. In this, and in many other areas.

Love and prayers,

The Simple Shepherdess said...


I am so sorry for your loss. You choose well to look for God in the midst of it. He was my abundant source when I experienced the same. He is faithful.

Aaron Lynch said...

Astrid and Travis, Our heart grieves with you, and our family is covering you with our prayers during this time.

We too have experienced the loss of life:

May the Lord bless you and cause his face to shine upon you, during this season of your lives.

Aaron & Gina

Jenn said...

Astrid, I'm just reading this today for the first time, but I wanted to just hug you... across the ocean!

God gets to play with a few of our little ones... I have three that I can't wait to meet somebody.

I hope you know that you are in our prayers... thanks for giving us a chance to get to know your family.

If only my arms were long enough!