Mourning, Trauma and Dispair

Saturday April 7th at Amahoro Stadium in Kigali

Thousands of people had gathered in the stadium for the opening of the week of mourning. Now that Rwanda is my country I came to express my support to all who were grieving.

When I entered the stadium I felt a heavy depression come upon me. I did my best to stay above it as I tried to have light hearted conversations with those around me. But it just wasn't right. The atmosphere was sorrowful. More and more people came. Some had red eyes from crying others sunglasses on though it was early evening. The feeling of sadness and depression became stronger with the minute.

The ceremony started with silence for those who had died during the genocide and the years of killing prior to the 1994 outburst. It was an eary silence.

Ministers and other leaders of Rwanda lit their candles and walked a silent walk on the tracks. I recognized some faces and felt a glimpse of hope knowing there would at least be some people I could share this experience with.

A man had been asked to share his testimony of survival. He was in Kibuye during the genocide and shared how he had been beaten severely then nailed on a cross, then with cross and all placed in a fire, left to die. When he shared these details all around me people who had been crying silently started screaming. Some jumped up and looked as if they were fighting, screaming like I had never heard before. The more details on what the man had been through he shared the more people started screaming and crying hysterically.

Men who stiffened up and just fell to the ground, women who were kicking and screaming and carried off. Others who seemed to gain control over their tears then in a sudden moment completely losing it and yelling things while acting hysterically.

My heart ripped inside me, the screams were unbearable, they cut through anything. While tears were streaming down my face I whispered; "Jesus, oh Jesus, have mercy, come and heal, come and heal, come and heal". There would be moments of calm and quiet followed by outbursts of screaming and other post traumatic manifestations. The lady sitting next to me cried quietly and I found myself snuggled up to her holding hands as the night progressed.

This whole week as been of a week of weeping. As our friends come and share their stories there is nothing I can do, but sit and cry with them. The screams are still in my head, I wonder if they will ever go. The stories of my friends, to horrendous to repeat are written in my heart.

The Lord gently reminded me of the reason he brought me and my family to Rwanda; to bring wholeness... This experience in the stadium has enlarged my heart even more and stretched my compassion for the wounded and lost beyond my imagination.

There are very few doing trauma relief in this nation, we have the tools but need to train and equip the willing. When my friend tells me that when she hears a knock on a door she freezes because someone might want to be there ready to rape her or take her to be killed, when my other friend walks on the streets of Kigali and has regular flashbacks of the days when there were roadblocks at the places he sets foot, roadblocks made of dead people, his people, his family members....

Are you willing to help us get all the equipment we need to start training Rwandans who the lord has set free to lead their own people into wholeness from their trauma? We need a power point projector, training materials and some documentation copied. Please contact me at Astrid@SoZoMinistriesAfrica.org if you can help!